I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
