I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
