That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
