R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
