Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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