Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I can't turn off my feet"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
