yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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