wrigley field is MILF paradise
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
