I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
