I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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