well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
