Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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