I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
