I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
