Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
