from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
