I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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