I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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