you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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