I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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