You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
