We won't sleep together?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
