I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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