My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
