i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
