Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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