hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Less talking, more tequila
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
