We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
