Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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