roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
