i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
