were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
