I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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