true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
