Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
