Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
