I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
