we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My life is pants optional.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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