Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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