i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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