I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
