a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
