i just had sex bonerless
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
