Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
