So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
should my penis look like a turkey
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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