How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
