just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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