I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
