I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
