Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
