We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It was confusing and full of hummus
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
