I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
