don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
