Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am available for nakedness
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
