By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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