fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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